How to talk about memory concerns

A mother in her seventies and daughter in her fifties talking on a garden bench

This conversation is the reason many families wait years longer than they should. Not because nobody noticed, but because nobody knew how to start.

A Black woman in her seventies sweeping a front step in morning light

Before you say anything

Write down what you have noticed, with dates if you can.

Not conclusions, observations. "He asked me three times on Sunday whether the appointment was Tuesday" is something you can say out loud. "I think he has dementia" is not, and it will end the conversation before it starts.

Pick a calm moment with no audience, and not straight after an incident. Immediately after a mistake is the worst possible time, because they are already embarrassed.

Pick the moment, not the argument

Raise it when you are both rested and on your own, not at the end of a long family dinner. You are opening a conversation rather than delivering a verdict, and the first attempt does not have to settle anything.

A white man in his seventies waiting in a bright airy reception, coat on lap
An Asian couple in their seventies catching up over the noise of a farmers market

What to say

some phrasings that tend to work:

  • "I noticed you asked me about the appointment a few times on Sunday. Have you noticed that too?"
  • "I have been thinking about getting a baseline for my own memory. Would you do it with me?"
  • "If there is something treatable going on, I would rather know now while it is easy to fix."

Notice what those have in common. They describe rather than diagnose, they invite rather than instruct, and two of them put you in the same boat.

An Asian man in his late sixties filling a bird feeder in the garden

What to avoid

  • the word dementia, at first. It ends conversations. There is time for it later, and it may not even be the right word.
  • An ambush. Raising it with three family members present is experienced as a confrontation, whatever you intended.
  • Quizzing them. Asking what day it is, to prove a point, is humiliating and tells you very little.
  • Arguing about specific incidents. You will end up debating whether he did ask three times, which is not the point.
A white woman in her fifties adjusting a hearing aid before answering the door

If they refuse

most refusal is fear, not stubbornness.

Someone who has already noticed their own memory slipping has probably been frightened about it in private for months. Being asked to look at it directly is the thing they have been avoiding. Pushing harder makes that worse.

What sometimes helps: leave it and come back in a few weeks, offer to do it together, frame it as a baseline rather than a test, or let the suggestion come from their doctor instead of from you. If safety is genuinely at risk, driving or medication or finances, that is a different conversation and it belongs with their doctor now.

Where to go next

if the conversation goes well, have something ready.

The Memory Exam is taken at home in ten to fifteen minutes, which is a much smaller ask than a clinic appointment. The early warning signs checklist can help you describe what you noticed, and preparing for a doctor's visit covers the next step.

A white man in his seventies sitting quietly with a coffee th