Caring for someone with memory problems

A Black woman in her fifties and her mother in her late seventies, one hand resting over the other's on a kitchen table

Caregivers

most people do not decide to become a caregiver. It arrives gradually, in the form of one more phone call, one more appointment, one more thing you now handle.

By the time anyone uses the word caregiver about you, you have probably been doing it for a year.

What changes

the practical load is rarely the hardest part.

What people find hardest is the shift in the relationship. You are still their child, and you are now also the person who checks whether they took their tablets. Both of you feel that, and neither of you asked for it.

It helps to name it out loud, once, rather than pretend the relationship has not changed. Pretending costs more than admitting it.

What to put in place early

the things that are easy to arrange while someone can still participate become very hard later.

  • A named doctor who knows the whole picture. Memory problems are rarely one specialty's business.
  • A medication list that is current. Not the one from two years ago.
  • Legal and financial arrangements. Power of attorney is far simpler to arrange while someone has full capacity, and waiting is the most common regret.
  • A baseline. Something measured, so that next year's conversation is about a change rather than an impression.
  • Someone else who knows. A sibling, a friend, a neighbour. Sole carers do worse, and so do the people they care for.
A Latina woman in her seventies waiting in a bright airy reception, coat on lap

What to put in place early

the things that are easy to arrange while someone can still participate become very hard later.

  • A named doctor who knows the whole picture. Memory problems are rarely one specialty's business.
  • A medication list that is current. Not the one from two years ago.
  • Legal and financial arrangements. Power of attorney is far simpler to arrange while someone has full capacity, and waiting is the most common regret.
  • A baseline. Something measured, so that next year's conversation is about a change rather than an impression.
  • Someone else who knows. A sibling, a friend, a neighbour. Sole carers do worse, and so do the people they care for.
A Black woman in her seventies reading an appointment letter at the kitchen table

Looking after yourself is not optional

Caregiver exhaustion is not a character failure. It is a predictable consequence of an open-ended job with no shifts.

Two things reliably help: telling someone the truth about how it is going, and arranging regular time when you are not on duty. Both feel self-indulgent and neither is.

If you are consistently not sleeping, or you have stopped seeing people, talk to your own doctor rather than waiting until it becomes a crisis.

Where to go next

if you have not raised the subject with them yet, that is often the hardest step.

How to talk about memory concerns covers what to say. Preparing for a doctor's visit covers what to bring. If you want something measured to bring with you, the Memory Exam takes ten to fifteen minutes at home.