Supporting someone whose memory is changing

A man in his fifties helping his mother in her eighties in a bright kitchen

Once you know something is changing, the question shifts from whether to act to how to help without taking over.

That balance is the whole job, and it moves over time.

A Latino man in his seventies sweeping a front step in morning light

Communication that works

  • One thing at a time. Multi-part questions are hard to hold. "Would you like tea?" rather than "Shall we have tea before we go, or after?"
  • Give time. Silence while someone searches for a word is uncomfortable for you and useful for them. Finishing their sentence is rarely a kindness.
  • Do not test. "Who am I?" puts someone on the spot. "It's Sarah" removes the problem entirely.
  • Follow the feeling, not the facts. If they are anxious about collecting a child from school forty years ago, arguing about the year will not help. Asking what is worrying them will.

Routines and the environment

Structure does more work than reminders.

Predictable days are easier than varied ones. Things kept in one visible place are easier than things put away tidily. A large clock showing the date, a written plan for the day, and keys on a hook by the door remove a dozen small failures without anyone having to be corrected.

Change one thing at a time and give it a fortnight. Rearranging someone's home in a weekend is disorientating, however well intended.

A white man in his sixties pouring olive oil over a salad in a wooden bowl
A Black man in his sixties and his wife sorting post into two piles together

Dignity

this is the part that gets lost first, and matters most.

Let them do what they can still do, even when it is slower and less neat than if you did it. Speak to them, not about them, when other people are present, and that includes in the consulting room. Ask before you take something over.

The aim is not to eliminate every mistake. It is to keep someone in their own life for as long as possible.

A woman in her late seventies walking happily along a familia

Where to go next

Support is easier when you know what you are supporting.

Read caring for a loved one for what to put in place early, or resources for caregivers for organisations that can help. A repeated baseline tells you whether things are stable or moving, which is hard to judge from day to day.